NOT FOR THE COMEDICALLY CHALLENGED
(This is not gendered specific, it’s a humorous take on dating and house hunting so substitute whatever gender makes this work for you, or not)
Yesterday’s man or woman used to think, “if I need to find someone this way, I’m already lost!” But today, someone might say, ” I don’t have the time to drive around and look at all the open houses, the potential homebuyer’s version of “speed dating”, so maybe I can use a dating service?”
We’ve all seen those ads for E-Harmony – where this guy comes out and tells us how great his dating service is, and then tries to convince us that it’s all scientific and that people are matched on 92 points of compatibility! Yeah, right. E-Harmony people are just regular folks like yourself, not circus freaks, drooling sexual perverts, or couch-humping Scientologists. Perish the thought. The product of your union will be an “Everlasting Love!”, not some head-revolving, vomit-spewing, bed-wetting, priest-cursing, ungrateful devil child, that you’ll have to support till you’re 18. (okay, maybe I have some issues) But … if you’re still a hopeless romantic, a word of advice … look beyond the curb appeal! Speaking of which … matchmaking and the promise of finding that perfect property is as simple as turning on your computer and searching for true love!
No doubt every prospective buyer, seller, and real estate agent has heard of the Multiple Listing Service. The real estate agent’s “on the make” equivalent of a dating service. Real estate agents even have their own codes to help inform potential suitors. Possibly E-Harmony, Match, and Tinder might want to implement this kind of methodology, as you’ll soon see, into their 92 reasons to run for the hills! (Feel free to substitute whatever gender makes this Politically Correct for you … or not?)
*New: A new listing! The competition will be lining up for the first dance! A new listing has that “special glow!” … for now.
*Active: Active listing. This gal has been danced around, but so far, no one wants to marry her.
*DOM: Days on the Market. Everyone watches this number, like the date on a milk carton. It is an indication of freshness. The longer she sits on the shelf, the less desirable she becomes.
*CC: Contingent, but continue to show. She says she’s engaged, but there’s no ring on her finger – the “due diligence period.” The wedding may still be called off, especially if the finances don’t measure up!
*BOM: Back on the market. Ewww…something could be wrong here. Definitely not a first choice. But if it’s 2 a.m., and you’re drunk out of your skull and getting desperate, she might look pretty good. Of course, you may have to overlook that little hump, the lazy eye, and her spooky resemblance to the bride of Frankenstein.
*TW: Temporarily withdrawn. She’s not pretty, and she knows it. She realizes that if she wants more interest, she’s gonna have to get a facelift, fix herself up, start going to the gym and maybe buy a wonder bra.
*EXPIRED: Listed, but never sells. She thinks she’s Paris Hilton, but she looks more like Yoda after a night of heavy drinking.
*PENDING: Okay, she’s bought the dress, had the rehearsal dinner, picked out the china pattern, and the wedding march has started. Potentially the groom can still back out and run screaming up the aisle. (Of course, such things usually only happen in the movies … still, there’s always the chance.)
*SOLD: They’re married! Happily? Who cares!? It’s re-harmony! A Match.com made in heaven (Cue music) ” This will be an everlasting love …”That is, till he discovers that she has a raging case of dry rot in her basement, terminal fung sway, and a sagging back porch.
If anything in this post offended you please switch genders while reading, and just so you know No Realtors were harmed in the making of this post. This post is not for the humor-impaired, or comedically challenge. Just for fun, though I’m sure someone for whatever reason will take it the wrong way.
